As I prepare for 2024, I’ve been thinking about the divisiveness I see in the world and about the impact of so much time in our own homes, on our devices, and less time spent in our neighborhoods.

Sometimes it’s easy to think that your views represent the more empathetic view, and that people on the other side lack empathy. I think the large majority of people are empathetic but just see things from a different perspective. I believe that as we engage more in our community, we can increase our empathy towards those who may have different beliefs or people who are personally facing challenges.

Here are just some examples of the most contentious topics that we seem to be facing:

• Immigrants who are fleeing their countries (and minorities who may be impacted by the demonizing of immigrants) vs. those who have been living in a community and fear the change

• Women / parents who choose not to have a baby / another baby vs. the life of the unborn

• Jewish sovereignty vs. Palestinian freedom to have a country

• Future generations right to a livable planet and those living in climate threatened areas today vs. general cost of living and the livelihood of those who work in traditional energy industries

• LGBT recognition and acceptance in society vs. those who are threatened by change in hetero-dominant culture (conservative norms) and the concern of exposing their children to these topics “before they are ready”

• The right to hold on to your own hard-earned money vs. recognizing that taxes are needed to run quality schools, improve crumbling infrastructure, and keep our streets safe

• Those who can enjoy seeing their property value rise vs. others who were not so fortunate to be able to purchase a home and have difficulty with increasing rents

As we engage with people who see the world differently, it can be helpful to start conversation on less sensitive topics. We should aim to build more rapport with our neighbors, and not jump to debates or avoid one another.

If conversation does turn to a topic where there may be strong opposing viewpoints, try to be a better listener and ask questions. Sometimes in conversation I even repeat in my head a personal mantra, ‘Chuck be quiet’, lol. If the person is saying something I wholeheartedly disagree with, I try not to be overly negative with my body language and facial expressions. And then perhaps bring the conversation back to something we can agree on. I already made the mistake of getting riled up once a few years ago around COVID and a media conspiracy theory, and I promise myself to never let that happen again. It did not lead to a productive discussion, and I learned that if I want to learn and potentially have someone see something from a different angle, raising my voice is not the way to go.

Occasionally I ask myself, do people even care about living in a community anymore? To what degree do people place importance on their building or block, their town, their county, their state, their nation? The more secluded we are in our own tech bubbles, do we just continue to become more individualistic? Social media can sometimes become an echo chamber, with algorithms designed to keep us engaging with the same content, or responding to content that might trigger us. Taking stock in the importance of these different levels of community, how we engage, and acquire information, could propel us to think less just about ourselves, but also the role we can play in finding acceptable solutions to improve the world we wish to live in. More simply, just engaging with locals outside of our usual circle can give us a better frame of reference as to why certain issues or viewpoints may be important.

I hope that more of us think about these things in 2024, and that we can begin narrowing some of the rifts that appear to have become irreparable chasms. Next time you think about making a “political” comment, ask yourself, is it completely polarizing? How could you rephrase yourself or adapt your tone so that your words will be better received?

Take into consideration how many people do you know personally who see things differently. Get out more in your neighborhood, find local activities and invite other people from the community to join you. Let’s see if we can reduce the divisiveness in 2024 and seek more understanding and compromise. Hopefully we can introduce something good that is contagious 🙂

Thx for reading and best wishes for the New Year.

I have to admit, I missed out partly on those initial bonds. I was so intent to hang on to many of my high school relationships, I would spend hours every week writing emails to old friends, compiling a newsletter “The Chuck Report” of random things that people would send me about their lives. These were precious hours that could have been spent forging new friendships with the people I’d spend a year living with.

(If you are reading this and entering college, put down your phone as much as you can and spend time with your dormmates)

When my wife (at the time) and I moved to our apartment in Long Island City in 2009, we had a similar experience to moving into a college dorm. It was a new building, so many of us moved in the same month. Most people were aged 25 - 35. We also had a Google Group where we had started getting to know one another virtually during the construction. We all recognize it was a special time in our lives.

That lesson should have stuck with me when I moved to Miami. But with the growth of social media and smartphones, I spent a disproportionate amount of time following and staying in touch with people who I couldn’t actually see. Or in many cases, I was just not putting in the extra effort to make plans with locals, or value what it could it mean for my happiness. I was also tremendously occupied with my work.

Time displacement theory is very real, and we need to recognize that if we’re dedicating our time to X, we’re not doing Y (It’s a pretty obvious theory). But that Y, could be something important, like establishing roots where we live and building a new support network.

I finally recognized after moving to Brickell, that I needed to somewhat start over. I was a single dad, and instead of just looking for a new romantic partner, I wanted friends who made me laugh and could easily meet up with in the area. I started Brickell Tech Tuesday to meet other locals, I got involved in some local advocacy efforts, and most importantly, I took time to follow up with people with whom I felt a connection (with the assistance of FriendApp). I am pleased with the direction that things are headed, though I’ve learned to accept that people are going to come in and out of our lives as life happens.

Miami is full of newcomers, and many of us are still navigating what that means. And what we’re seeing in Miami is taking place in many cities across the country, and around the world. There are many individuals who do not know where to start, don’t want to make the effort, or even realize the value that a local group could add to their lives.

There are many similarities between college dorm friendships and friendships in a new neighborhood. Both come with a fresh start to meet new people trying to find their way. But there are some added hurdles to making friends as an adult. People have less free time than they did in college, and many neighbors are already set in their routines. You may just need to prepare yourself to be more open-minded, take risks, and be persistent.

I hope this helps you reflect on how you approach your local friendships, and perhaps you can harness some of that College Dorm Energy (CDE) as an adult.

"The best way to make new friends is to be a good friend." - Dale Carnegie

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I would love to add some more quotes to the article and get your thoughts on the college dorm room friendships you made, or how your experience has been making friends in your new neighborhood.

Feel free to write me at chuck@friendapp.com and share your thoughts, or leave a comment below.

After a long day of work or caring for family, all many of us want to do is rest or indulge in low-effort entertainment. Nurturing new and old relationships does require some effort. You need to think about what you want to say, and then be part of the follow up discussion. But do you have the energy to do so? Are you actually prepared to make plans if that comes up?

I was conducting some interviews for FriendApp recently, and I spoke with a former colleague who had become overwhelmed with her work the past few years (she eventually left). I asked her if during that time she reached out to her friends. She said rarely, her energy was sapped. Her health was struggling. Between work and family, her next priority was simply rest. 

I found it very interesting that when we might need our support network the most, we shut off. And here’s the vicious cycle I see. People that could actually invigorate us, and give us advice to handle the stress of life, won’t even have the opportunity to, if we’re too “busy”.

According to data from the Survey Center of American Life, in 1990, 26% of adults turned to a friend first for advice for personal issues. In 2021, that number had declined to 16%. Take a moment to reflect on who you reach out to when something big is going on in your life.

Social media seems incredibly easy - open an app, scroll until something catches your attention, leave a quick comment, or tap to 'like'. Streaming platforms like Netflix recommend content tailored to your tastes, allowing you to retreat into a personal bubble. However, real relationship nurturing involves more than just 'liking' a post. It requires keeping someone in mind, checking in with them, and spending quality time together every now and then. This effort, though it might seem challenging amidst our busy lives, is what allows us to have a true support network.

While social apps have made it easier for us to maintain connections worldwide, they could be a contributing factor to why we have fewer 'close' friends compared to 30 years ago.

The graph above may not appear that glum, but 12% of adults reporting that they have no close friends is significant. That equates to 31 million US adults reporting they have 0 close friends. That is roughly 6x the 5.5 million US adults with 0 close friends in 1990. Also note that the data does not look at where your friends live, and undoubtedly, they are more scattered vs. 30 years ago.

I think it’s important to question periodically if we should invest more in friends that live a little closer, and who align more with our current interests or stage in life. When we move, do we consider how many people we know in our 5-10 minute radius? Do we think about who are the people who generally make us laugh (and find us amusing)?

Most of us know that relationships are important, and many of us can reconnect with old friends and cherish that time together. But as we grow older, and our lives change, we also need to think about who are the people that we will share new experiences with, and support us in our busy lives. If you’re feeling too busy to see friends, perhaps you should carve out some time every week to think of at least 3 people who live nearby, with whom you would wish to build a stronger connection. Setting the intention can be an important step to growing those ties.

I’d be curious to hear more about what are your obstacles in reaching out to people. Are you satisfied with how you approach your local social circle? Please leave a comment, or message me :)

We can choose what we focus on, or let others choose for us

Social media seemed like an effective way to see updates from everyone we are connected with, regardless of where they live. However… How often do we need these interactions? The presence of our phone next to us means that any moment of “inactivity” could be a moment where we are “engaged”. I found myself checking the apps when switching between activities, stopped at a red light, in the bathroom, eating, between exercises at the gym, waiting in line. Is there a moment that doesn’t need to be filled with a quick fix of randomness, often produced by people we are not close with? Are we comfortable sitting with silence in our own head?

The challenge lies that we are dependent on our phones for so much. We want to look up some obscure fact, and next thing we know we see those intriguing notifications. A new request on LinkedIn, someone replied to our post on Twitter. We go into Linkedin to approve the request and then we spend another fifteen minutes scrolling through the content feed. These apps want to hook you in with something (i.e. a new message, looking up someone’s name) so that they can further distract you.

What can we do?

• Uninstall the applications we don’t really need. Perhaps using them on our computer can be sufficient

• Leave our phone in another room when we are trying to do concentrated work (my phone is currently charging in the kitchen as I write this)

• At a minimum, disable notifications as much as we can. And mute Whatsapp groups.

• Schedule more of your time. And perhaps scheduling some social media time.

I deleted Facebook and Twitter from my phone the other night, partly because Twitter’s cache had ballooned to 1.5 GB on my device. It felt very cathartic the next morning. The mere removal of those icons and notifications took away my impulse. I still wanted to post something on Twitter today while stuck on the Metromover (Miami’s mass transit), and had to use the mobile web experience. Definitely an added barrier, but at least I used more of my time to listen to an audio book (Breath), instead of scrolling endlessly.

Our contributions…

We are perpetuating a world of constant distraction, sharing pictures, videos, random thoughts. Whether it’s because we legitimately think what we’re sharing is beneficial for others, sharing our joy (or frustration), or merely trying to get noticed, it’s important to recognize that we contribute to the problem. The best posts in my mind are when we are candidly asking the community for an answer or advice.

We do live in a world where many of us need to craft our “personal brand”. I respect that. Many of us are now working independently, starting our own businesses, or helping a small business grow. We occasionally are asked by others to share something. But we should also use this knowledge to be mindful of what we are getting into every time we open up one of these applications.

Why are we competing for each other’s attention? Is it because we really want to? Or has social media gamed us into feeling a certain way when we do what they want us to do? What if we included the reason for sharing something when we posted? For those of us who like to post on social media, perhaps we should ask ourselves if what we are sharing needs to be broadcast, or if we can send it directly to select people who would find it interesting. This will have the added benefit of nurturing a relationship.

Final thoughts…

Social media isn’t inherently bad, if used properly. But it can be addictive for many. If you find yourself opening up social media in many moments of inactivity, or when you should be doing something more productive (or relaxing), perhaps it’s time to take action. Remember that our habits not only impact our own health, but we as adults are also models for younger generations.

Evaluating friendships is especially important when we go through a life change. Whether it’s moving to a new neighborhood, changing jobs, having kids, kids leaving to college, or pursuing a new hobby, all of these are examples of major opportunities to be introspective about the people in our lives.

Below you’ll find 20 factors I’ve compiled, as I go through my own journey of evaluating my friendships in a new neighborhood, as a single dad. As many of us start realizing how much time we spend on social media, dating apps, or other forms of entertainment, I hope this helps provide a framework to think about.

1. Convenience. Lives near me, available at similar times

2. Shared interests / activities

3. Working on a common project together, or working in similar spaces

4. Can offer me sound advice, whether it’s related to business or personal life

5. Makes me laugh, finds me funny, or in general is just a fun person to be around

6. Helps me get out of my shell

7. I can feel totally comfortable sharing anything, and vice versa

8. Makes an equal effort as I do to check-in

9. We find ourselves in similar life situations

10. Mutual friends in common. Having friends that can be part of our group can sometimes be more fulfilling

11. Similar backgrounds, shared experiences

12. Great listener

13. Offers fresh perspective

14. Makes me feel like I matter, offers compliments, lifts me up. I generally feel happier when I’m around the person

15. Shared views of the world, and of society

16. Cares about my happiness, is there for me

17. Pushes me to grow as a person

18. I just admire the person. They have a special talent or skill that I really appreciate

19. I feel like I have something to offer, and the other person appreciates that

20. The X factor? You can’t really put your finger on it, but you enjoy spending time with the person.

I’d like to hear which factors are important to you. Are there other factors that I’m missing in this list?

If you’re going through this process of deciding who you want to intentionally stay more in touch with, I invite you to download FriendApp, so that you can keep these people more top of mind on your phone.

While our conversation covered many topics, we had the opportunity to get to know each other, my favorite part of the discussion was about meditation.

What I learned from David is that he is always, always, meditating. Trying to maintain his attention on self-awareness, intention, presence, and love. In every interaction he has with another person, he sees it as an opportunity to meditate.

In a world where we are filled with distraction, each time we CONNECT with another human being, we practice our ability to stay focused, listening, empathizing, and engaging. We can use each interaction to learn something about the other person, and ourselves.

Back in high school, I would print out a list of the people I knew in font size 6, and keep it in my wallet. When I got back home every day, I’d take a look at the list to remind myself who I’d want to talk to. Fast forward to working in NYC and the rise of social media, it seemed so easy to just post things and scroll through other people’s updates. I got married, moved to Miami, had kids, and life just seemed to fly by. Long gone were the days where I was as intentional with friends as I was when I was 17.

In our constantly connected world, many people spend over two hours a day on Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Facebook. And the biggest problem I see with these platforms is that the people who appear most, are those that share more often. We have hundreds, if not thousands of people we know in our contacts, yet, how regularly are we thinking about many of them? I’m not against social media, but I think we need to find a balance, so that the people that we want to strengthen our relationships with, stay more top of mind.

Being single again during the Covid isolation was a wake up call. I struggled thinking of people I knew who I could reach out to locally and make plans with. Personally, I needed to make some adjustments.

Now I’m rediscovering my old habit of just looking at people’s names, with the help of FriendApp. I share things with them directly when something crosses my mind. I try to invite people out occasionally. And after 10+ years living in Miami, I’m beginning to feel a deeper sense of connection to people. When we move to a new city, we have the opportunity to meet lots of people, but do we do the work needed to grow casual acquaintances into relationships?

I don’t have it all figured out when it comes to relationships. And by relationships, I’m talking about the people in our daily life. Remote work has emphasized the problem where many of us don’t get to see the same people enough to nurture true connection. Networking events are a great way to meet new people, and occasionally run into some of the people that you already know. But I’d argue that only showing up to networking or large group events is like the physical equivalent of participating in social media.

Creating connection requires extended and more periodic one-on-one and small group interactions. As we enter the new year, I want to suggest that we take a moment to reflect on how much time we spend scrolling through people’s posts, reading through group chats, and if those are people we actually spend time with in real life.

Questions to ask yourself…

• How frequently do you check in with friends and business acquaintances who live in your neighborhood?

• How often do you schedule plans for the upcoming week with people you haven’t seen in a while?

Perhaps just having a tool that lets you shine a spotlight on certain people, will help make it easier, and more visible, to encourage these healthier interactions.

FriendApp helps people focus on relationships (personal and business) they want to nurture. The iPhone pilot is currently available in the app store and the company is actively seeking user feedback. In 2023, FriendApp looks to reduce the effort required for people to share and discover things that they can do with people they know.

Download FriendApp for iPhone